I discovered that I had become completely confused and missed the day on which I was to have chanted the first chapter of Ecclesiastes (the rabbi filled in for me) and I wonder how come I am so disoriented this year.
I think it may partly have to do with the diagnosis about my eyes, which worries me beneath the surface; and it may have to do with how closely I link my beloved's presence to this intense series of holy days and celebration.
I did, in the end, host one friend for tea in the sukkah this afternoon.
I did sit and enjoy the return of the colorful birds as they pecked seed on the deck.
But I do find I worry, some: ¿is it the intensity of the holiday cycle? ¿flaky brain? ¿disorientation worrying about my eyes? ¿increasing age? This kind of confusion about days and committments is not my usual mode---it has been known to happen before, but very rarely.
This is a season when Zalman and I often had worked together, and had done our own inner work as well, sharing parts of that with each other.
The void is palpable.
I am being told that getting enough sleep, starting early enough, is important. So I wish you all sweet dreams, and am heading upstairs. The weather changed enough for me to switch the summer-weight blanket for the winter quilt---one of the ways in which we marked the seasons together. (We also used to turn the mattress over, now and before Passover; but I cannot do that on my own.)
Blessings on this new year.