(And did I warn you that I would be off-line for the two nights of Pesach seders?)
I don't know why preparing for Pesach felt so much harder this year. I started earlier, worked harder, and it still took me till the last minute. And it began to provoke rebellious thoughts: is THIS the kosher Pesach that G-d would have wanted?
I was a guest at the first seder, and it was a joy.
The second seder---I was asked to lead one for friends who were not Jewish, but felt they needed a seder this year. I cooked up a good feast---and discovered how different it is to lead the seder than to play backup and serve the food. I tried to keep on track, keep it meaningful as well as understandable, and keep it from going too late. It seems to me that things I really did learn deeply from all the years with Zalman are fading and disintegrating before my eyes. I wonder what is really my own, and what I borrowed for a time. I feel like I have turned a corner into a new and rather unwelcome and unwelcoming territory.
I definitely seem to be in the wilderness. Appropriate enough for this season.