Journal entry by Eve Ilsen — 18 minutes ago
I was invited to a local Chabad family for shabbos lunch.
Their children are grown and now have children---amazing---
And my beloved was remembered and appreciated in detail. He often davvened at Chabad, and his family and Rebbetzin Chani's family had known each other in Europe.
I appreciated their kindness and generosity.
Back home, alone, I began reviewing so much that we had shared: such a rich and varied life.
Varied: the marvellous parts and the hard parts.
After shabbos, a call from a much-loved kid/now grown up. My heart is grateful.
I will visit the kever tomorrow, around dusk. Perhaps I will replenish the supply of herb that comes and goes in a jar at the foot of the tombstone. I will be very quiet, and see if the animals visit.
I wish with all my heart that my beloved would visit---but surely he has been off on other assignments already for quite a while.
I want to let go completely, lest the yearning of my heart G-d forbid hold him back.
I just don't know how.
That is, to release him to go where he needs to be now, yes: that I have done.
To cease to yearn for him: that I have not managed.