Disoriented

Today was one of those days that seemed Tuesday part of the time, then seemed Wednesday, then slid back onto Tuesday...I am still trying to catch up on those things that accumulated while I was away.

But I began the day by doing my morning davvenen (such as it is) on the balcony from the bedroom.  The balcony faces west, looking out at trees in the summer fullness of green leaf.

Caught up with a friend over lunch.

Dinner on the back deck, watching the small birds frequent the feeders.

Local author's reading at Boulder Book Store.

It took me a while, but I am back.  I remembered that I have indeed sunk roots here.  Community has invested in our being here, and while that mostly had to do with Zalman, I benefitted from this community's welcoming and generosity as well.
This is the longest I have lived in one place in my entire life.
I am nevertheless having a strange time trying to get the flow of my life back into some order again, in the absence of my beloved.  It is taking me this long to realize the extent to which I shifted my focus, over these years, from my own work, the skills I brought with me from the years before I met Zalman, to running this household smoothly and keeping my beloved as healthy as I could.  (I suspect this was sometimes against his will.)  
Now, there are still days I feel unmoored and without a compass.

My morning and evening practices keep me minimally grounded.
I have found that writing, wailing and singing have been apt vehicles for intense grief.

And---reorienting my life is turning ouot to be a longer process than I had imagined it would be.
Good night.