It still happens...

--that once in a while, I suddenly come to a sinkhole, and fall in.
Like now.
And in that place I remember times that I was impatient, or less than understanding, or downright furious.  
I remember kindnesses that I may not have adequately acknowledged.  
I remember things that I did not understand at the time that I understand better now.
I hurt over what I cannot repair, perhaps believing that my tears now can make expiation for what I did ungracefully or downright badly then.
Of course they cannot.
I'm not even sure that they can serve as cautionary reminders for current and future behavior towards others.  
Probably not:  Zalman saw me suffer this way after my mother died, and occasionally would warn me, when I was being far less than graceful, that he wouldn't want me to suffer the same self-blame over our interactions after his death that I suffered after hers.  
Of course, this was both true and slightly unfair...

I am not sure what provokes the return of these cycles; but return they do.
And I cry from the depths of my gut.
And still I wake up the next morning
Until one morning, I won't
and I hope I will have had the chance to repair most of my unkindnesses before then.