I can feel the energy already tilting towards shabbos.
I both welcome it, and am concerned about not having accomplished enough during this work-week.
Today has gone by so quickly, from early morning fasting blood-work (yearly ritual,) through errands, to not finding a place corresponding to the address of a yoga class I was interested in, to further appointments, the Farmer's Market, and home to the cats and the email.
I begin to wonder if I have not mistakenly continued to arrange the hours of my day as if I were still the age I was when I came together with my beloved: robust late 30's, when it seems that time-to- do-it-all unrolls before you into the far distant future.
When I realize that I am now the age that my beloved was when we first began to work together, it makes me go YIKES!
He was already thinking about "Spiritual Eldering": harvesting one's accumulated wisdom to become a useful elder, slowing down and withdrawing from habituated extraverted activity, and starting to do one's own deep contemplative work in preparation for death.
(Of course, that was not exactly what he was doing himself, yet...)
I take some comfort in the fact that in reality, during those years he actually took on a new marriage, a new city, an honored chair at a new institute-now-university, and the raising of a son from middle school through high school, college, a year in massage school: a first-and-only. (His other children all spent thier adolescence elsewhere, an honored tradition in some Orthodox Jewish communities.)
I fnd I am not in the least ready to fold up and become a contemplative Elder yet.
That is, contemplative practices have been part of my life for years---they will continue.
But, far from feeling ready to fold up my tents and prepare for my upcoming death, I feel instead that these very rich years that I lived together with my beloved are now all nudging me towards an entirely new phase.
I have no idea what that will look like.
If anyone is curious (I am) I will be leading the weekend of August 25-27 at The Abode of the Message.
And I am beginning to plan a concert I've been thinking of for a long time, called "And It Was Evening And It Was Morning" for the Fall.
And there will be a book...