I finally found the place that would repair the thingie related to the passenger air bag. They also re-keyed my clicker and sold me a duplicate (one should always have a spare key) at great expense. I filled the tank. Tomorrow I will check the oil and the tire pressure, make sure I have extra and emergency gear in the trunk, and get ready to drive on Sunday to Lama Foundation for some days.
The last time I was there was with my beloved.
He once wanted to be buried there, along with fellow Spiritual Outrageousness, Sufi Sam Lewis.
I wonder how it will be without him.
A funny thing keeps happening since my dear's death, z'l.
Some people continue to relate to me as the person I am, however they may see me. For others---even those who had, I had thought, some relationship to me as well---I simply dropped completely off the radar, as if I had never been there.
Depending on the day and other things going on in my life, I am bemused, amused, or hurt.
I feel touched and grateful to have been invited to celebrate Lama's 50th anniversary---as myself, alone. And at the same time I am conscious of the missing half, the whole and holy one whom I miss still, sometimes with the same intensity as in the very beginning. There are layers to this thing---the very personal intense and complex feelings, that gnarl in the heart; the shifting nature of the person I am becoming; and the strange differences in how the world treats me.
I wonder if this is attached to the bigger-than-life emptiness that Zalman left behind; or if I should take it personally.
Fortunately, tonight that thought makes me giggle.
Wishing us all a sweet shabbos.