On the one hand, it has been a lovely day---Rain, a delicious lunch with a friend, errands, a new bird-feeder to replace one that died.
On the other hand, I feel the empty space---both in the house and in my heart---more keenly today. I feel myself heading towards Pesach with too much of my own inner work undone. My time is still being hijacked by all that comes in on my email requiring letters, donations, reading, thinking and indignation...I have been completely dragged off the path of my own intentions, and I don't seem to be able to get back on.
Even my laptop is adding to the disorientation: three times in the past three days it has suddenly frozen---completely: I can't put it to sleep, I can't turn it off, I can't "escape"...
In it's own good time, perhaps an hour later, it restarts, and I have to key in my password as if I had just opened it. It asks if it should let Apple know that there has been a problem, and I always say Yes. What does Apple do with that report?
Meanwhile, all the details of the season are upon me, and I feel overwhelmed. I am considering preparing for Pesach differently this year, perhaps curtailing some of the physical prep---closing off some of the dishes and pots, and simply not using them, rather than kashering absolutely everything---At the same time, I am teaching a class---and this week's session is on preparing for Pesach. I will have to do my own internal preparations before I have the chutzpah to teach anyone else this year. The thing about Pesach prep is that all the chometz, inside and out, becomes painfully visible. And the pieces that try to stay hidden are palpable, and an even greater source of embarrassment precisely because they would rather hide. My internal state alternates between focused and distraught.
I guess The Season has begun.