It isn't only the results of the election---though that's disorienting enough.
No---it's that my journey is taking me through a different landscape now.
I still miss my beloved, fiercely. I still burst into tears. So many times a day I wish for his wisdom, or his kindnes, or his laugh, or his warmth. Or the touch of his hand.
As an experiment, I tried leaving my wedding ring in the little box in the jewelry chest together with his for one day.
I rushed to put it back on my finger the next morning.
Still---something is different.
I had thought I just wanted to dismantle the silly slightly-raised bed in the back garden---but maybe I'd really like to grow some greens this summer. So today I worked the new rich soil with compost into the dirt remaining in the raised bed, like kneading bread dough. Felt good to get dirty.
Meanwhile, my mind seems to be emptying out. I wonder if this is how I begin to prepare for Pesach now: jettison all the chometz-of-the-mind that has hung around fermenting this past year.
Blessings; good night